thinking in the bathroom

waaaa… i was nearly late in coming to the office today. if i had arrived seven minutes later, it would mean a deduction of 15 minutes worth of pay on my next payday. whew.

as usual, i blame my near-tardiness to my 30-minute to 1-hour indulgence in the bathroom. weird, huh? why do i take that long? for me, the bathroom is the only place where i can be alone with my thoughts. it is where i can review the past day, plan for the day or week ahead, and think of future plans undisturbed. that’s why even though the bathroom that i use is small to the point that it can be claustrophobia-inducing at times, i still like taking my time in there.

anyway… lately, my “bathroom thoughts” are centered on staying in or leaving the company where i am currently employed. it’s not just because a lot of people either have gone or are still planning to go elsewhere. i don’t submit to fad that easily. but lately, i couldn’t help but keep comparing my plans in the past to what is actually happening in my life right now, and to what i think will happen in the next 5 years if i continue on this path that i am taking.

number of what i deemed were short-term plans (supposed to be fulfilled in three years) in the past: 7

number of plans fulfilled so far: 2/7

number of the “more important” plans that i have fulfilled so far: 1/3.

number of the “less important” plans” that i have fulfilled so far: 1/4

number of plans that i think i will be able to fulfill this year: ?

number of plans i think i will be able to fulfill next year: given the hectic project schedule plus my “whole day Saturday schedule”, i really don’t know. perhaps 0?

there we have it. an oversimplified analysis of my life that gives us a picture of where i’m headed: (drum roll, please…) nowhere.

hmmm… it might be that i lack the motivation, the energy, the time, the discipline, the skill, or the opportunity. but then again, i’m beginning to think that if i have more time spent at home than in the office doing OT, would i have the time and the energy to improve myself? if i were working in another company right now, would i have better opportunities to grow as a software engineer? this was only a tiny thought that had somehow lodged itself at the back of my mind after i realized that OT was fun only if it is done once in a while. now, as we do OT almost everyday, the thought seems to have found its way to the forefront. i don’t really mind having to render OT once in a while. once-in-a-while OT is like having project overnights in college all over again. i like the jubilant feeling when our team is able to deliver a project on time despite the almost-impossible odds (short schedule, OT). we even got an award for it however, almost-everyday OT is sometimes too much. if we keep having short-term projects that require OT, i don’t think i’ll be able to keep up.

i’m running out of reasons to stay. but, the reasons that are left still matter to me. but, are they worth it? so many buts… tsk, tsk.

stay or leave. stay or leave. i guess they’ll be occupying my bathroom thoughts until i finally figure something out.